So yea when I got on the Miami beat I figured hey, how hard could it be, stopping robbers from taking little old ladies’ pocketbooks. [takes drag of cigar from side of mouth]. But then just my luck, bona-fide jewel thieves show up.
There was only one way to get ‘em- and that meant makin’ sweet with one of their neigbors. To the west there was these real hooligan types. I knew this because they had a messy lawn. Only hooligans had messy lawns. To the east though, was this house of nice old ladies, and they were all white. It was perfect…almost too perfect.
Al, I tell myself, I can’t get involved, I says to myself. Remember what happened in ‘62 with sweet little Marla Goldstein? Don’t want that to happen again. Good thing I bought a decoy, this cute rookie named Bobby who was barely out of his training pants with three weeks on the force. Little old ladies would love Bobby.
It was a tough case to crack, but these ladies had, excuse my language, testicles. The one was throwing herself at me, but I knew better than to let myself get into the arms of a woman who was so self-assured and confident. Just not my type.
They did work guys on the force for twenty years couldn’t do; these broads covertly planted a listening device, which allowed me to sit at their kitchen table late at night listening to headphones waiting for some intel. It was just a job.
But oh, that one broad really got to me. The tall one with the Gimbel’s wardrobe. Don’t get involved Al. I tells myself. But I was involved.
And you know what happens when you get involved? You get hurt. See, that little sissy Bobby went and got himself shot and the ladies got all weepy and this tall broad breaks it off before I could even get a handful.
But Al, you saved lives, you might say. Yea I did. But there was one life I didn’t save. The one I coulda had.
What can I say. This is the life I chose, this is the life I will live. I gotta get back to these ladies, give ‘em fake badges or something. They’d probably like that. Until I get to my next assignment. First jewel thieves, what next? Map stealers?