Season 2, Episode 23; “Son-In-Law Dearest” as Told By Titles of Misfits Songs

The misfitsGrowing up, I imagined my daughter Kate as a TEENAGER FROM MARS. I mean, my time as a teenager was so different. I never understood her need to hang out at the record store or all the time she and her friends wanted to talk on the phone.

Then she comes along one day to tell me she’s getting married. I never even met the guy! I figured though, if Kate likes him, then I like him. I mean, the man is a doctor for Pete’s sake! He makes sure people don’t DIE DIE MY DARLING. No, it’s not because I’m shallow. It’s so if Kate ever hurts herself, he’ll know how to take care of her. By spending lots of money on her! I kid, I kid. I just don’t want to find her in a DEVIL’S WHOREHOUSE.

2014-06-10_2028

Kate comes for a visit and tells me she has some news! I almost died. Finally, I’d get to be a grandmother! I mean, that HATE BREEDER  of a son Michael probably has impregnated women all over, but they don’t count. So Kate gets here, she may or may not be the same person who she was in the second episode; this very well may be NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.

2014-06-10_2030

But she’s not pregnant, you see. That asshole Dennis has cheated on her and she’s leaving him! Apparently leaving him also caused her to dress like a cowgirl at a debutante ball. I had SOME KIND OF HATE for Dennis, and that hate was pure rage.  No one messes with the daughter of this QUEEN WASP and gets away with it.

2014-06-10_2038

SPEAK OF THE DEVIL, the next day, however, Dennis came over from the HORROR HOTEL to talk to Kate, and she forgives this ANGELFUCK. How dare she? Show knows what the shit brick Stan put me through when he cheated on me.

But, my best girlfriends convinced me that I have to let me daughter do what she wants with her life, even if she asks me MOMMY CAN I GO OUT AND KILL TONIGHT. She was forgiven and she and Dennis head off.

2014-06-10_2043

You know what else happened that made our SKULLS ache? Rose and her late husband Charlie fuuuucked like no one’s business. From 7pm to midnight, then for two hours in the morning. Blanche claimed that is was ONLY MAKE BELIEVE but Rose insisted it was true, every LAST CARESS.

2014-06-10_2036_001 2014-06-10_2036

giphy

Season 2, Episode 22; “Diamond In the Rough” as Reviewed By Lars Von Trier

2014-05-09_1952

 

Romance is a falsehood, only pain and suffering provides us with the human experience. However, the mother stares grimly at the daughter, a grown woman enveloped in the stink of her own loneliness. The mother offers her a metaphorical teat: she is trying to purchase a date for her daughter to the big banquet. Prostitution is loneliness commodified.

2014-05-09_1928

The good Doc Cottle, transported by a time machine from the Battlestar Galactica warship, enters the brothel. His time travel is not questioned, nor the likelihood that a woman could comprehend the complexities of time travel without feeling the pain of a thousand lashes on her vulva. The women, as they do, welcome him with the heat of their loins with the visceral notion of a fox eating its own entrails. However, there is one woman, the Nymphomaniac, that captures his attention. “Chaos reigns,” are the words her pheromones spelled.

2014-05-09_1929

And so they go about the banalities of a sexual relationship. satiating the Nymphomaniac with the fatherly attention she is trying to recreate. In this moment, he understands Hitler. But her fear of gynocide causes her to sabotage the pairing, claiming the class differences that divide them are degrading her. “I want to degrade you for the rest of your life,” the swarthy doctor from the future asks her, but with too late for irony and impatience have clouded the judgement of the human woman, as has through all of time. “A woman’s lies are her truths,” the metaphorical wombat in the corner utters as it devours an unborn fetus.

2014-05-09_1932

As the Nymphomaniac projects her suffering onto her lover, for he was tardy to their date for fixing a stranded woman’s car – a woman fixing a car is like a fish reading the Koran- the other Nymphs in the brothel begin their heated estrus phase. This does not squelch the Nymphomaniac’s ego, as she compels him to remember the gross class divisions between them. “A fortitude of melancholy is a women’s bow and arrow,” the metaphorical wombat quips.

2014-05-09_1949

2014-05-09_1945

There is a formal affair, to which all pageantry is brought, including a grotesque and degrading commentary on cross-dressing is played for the humor of the masses. The Doc is there, providing physical nourishment and interpersonal agony. He cannot be with a women, this nymph, if she tries to change him. He is who he is, a man that works with his hands with pride, and the superficial Nymphomaniac can never receive his love.

2014-05-09_1957

“Life is only on earth, and not for long,” says the wombat.

2014-05-09_1934

 

Season 2, Episode 20: Whose Face Is This, Anyway?; as Reviewed By xoJane Headlines

2014-04-12_1750

Headlines From the aforementioned Ladymag :

Unpopular Opinion: I’m Getting Plastic Surgery Because I Don’t Want to Look Old and Horrible Like My Haggard Best Friends

It Happened To Me: I Went to My Sorority Reunion And I Wasn’t the Center of Attention and No One Told Me I Was Pretty

2014-04-12_1753

My Elderly Mother is Emotionally Abuse to Me, So I Gave Her a Makeover

It Happened To Me: I Was Blouse-Shamed

Help! Jane Pratt is Making Me Listen to the Story of How She is Besties With Liv Tyler for the Zillionth Time

Issues: Old People Can Go to College Too, You Know

2014-04-12_1746

You’re The Advice Columnist: Should I Date My Plastic Surgeon?

IHTM: I Live In Miami Yet Never See The Beach

Unpopular Opinion: Putting Your Friends’ Looks Down Is The Fastest Way To Self-Love

We Fired Our Gay Housekeeper: Why I Still Think His Ghost Haunts Our House

Notes:

There was not much to say about this one except that Blanche was a raging cunt to the other ladies about their looks, especially Dorothy, who spent the episode being told she was a disgusting old hag. Maybe that is why Bea had some beef with the other actresses? They enjoyed those lines too much?

There’s a gag where the gals visit the hospital thinking they are visiting Blanche after her plastic surgery, but it is a guy and they see his dick, prompting them to think Blanche had a sex change. I am not at all for this being the basis of a joke, but the ladies really shine comedicly in the situation. 

2014-04-12_1808

Season 2, Episode 19: “Long Day’s Journey Into Marinara”

2014-04-05_2117

So, really, what is wrong with Rose? Like, really wrong? Did she have a split in reality after Charlie died? Early onset of Alzheimer’s? Because, let’s face it, no one could live with that much crazy.

This time, she is chick-sitting for a neighbor’s show chicken, who plays the piano. Yes, you read that right. Meanwhile, Aunt Angela is back only after a few episodes. I mean, let us miss her a little! Angela and Sophia start fighting again, because that’s just such an original concept. Then Angela “cooks” the show chicken and Rose has a psychotic break.

2014-04-05_2144

Sophia thinks Angela has made the moves on her man but it turns out Tony (her lovah) is cheating on her with someone else entirely.

I wish this could be more entertaining, but hey, some episodes are turds. However, this episode did treat us to this edgy racist joke:

2014-04-05_2130

Anyway, sorry for the lack of anything to say about this episode.

FBkYD

 

Season 2, Episode 18: “Forgive Me Father,” As Reviewed By God

God

 

Well hello my people. How are you liking that long book I wrote? I’ve been dying to write a sequel but really, who has the time? I’ve been too busy saving people from natural disasters while leaving others to perish, inspiring songs from The Beach Boys and Joan Osbourne, helping celebrities win Oscars and professional athletes win games. You know, the usual celeb stuff.

2014-03-25_1938

Picture not related.

Just like any celeb, I have amassed a group of Superfans. Much like Bronies, Browncoats (people inexplicably obsessed with the mediocre sci-fi western Firely), and people following that deranged cult leader Dan Harmon, I have a group of people who wear very specific costumes and devote most of their time devoted to me. They call themselves priests (and my ladyfans can be nuns). Much like the Star Trek/Star Wars devotees, they too can’t get laid! I kid, I kid. I like to mess around. I do the open mic at Flapper’s in Burbank, come check me out.

2014-03-25_1937

One such fan, named Frank, is getting Ms. Dorothy Zbornak as hot and bothered. They work together on a school carnival or something that involves a cheap set and hanging banners. She asks him to dinner to meet her roommates, because nothing says playing it smooth than parading around your crush in front of your dysfunctional household.

2014-03-25_1942

Meanwhile, the other ladies are dismayed as to why Frank has not asked out Dorothy! (He hasn’t revealed his devotion to me yet. I get it. Not everyone understands or likes me. Haters gonna hate, right?)

2014-03-25_1943

Frank arrives anyway, and gives way to lots of foot in mouth scenarios. He tells Dorothy that he’s thinking of leaving the church. And then just leaves the house. Not a lot of brains on Frank, huh? He used up his prayers on poor starving children, not on his own self, I guess.

Dorothy meets Frank at church, or what I like to call a sheet of drywall and some benches, to offer herself to him. Dorothy gets, as the kids say, uh, “friendzoned” by Frank who is not leaving THE church, he’s leaving THIS church to become a “teaching priest” which is really a fancy word for the pyramid scheme I cooked up.

 

2014-03-25_1954

And while I have you, please support my Kickstarter for another season of Joan of Arcadia.

 

2014-03-25_1934

Dorothy ain’t so saint.

Season 2, Episode 17, “Bedtime Story”, as Reviewed By Upworthy Headlines

2014-02-26_2244

A heater breaks in a house in Miami where four elderly women live. Unable to fix it, they took matters in their own hands. You’ll never believe what happened.

A prayer to god is finally answered. You’ll never believe what he said.

2014-02-26_2246

What happens when a woman sleeps in the same bed with her brothers for seventeen years? The answer will delight you.

2014-02-26_2244_0012014-02-26_2245

A salty cynical lady confronts a bully in a train station.

You have to see how she fights back. Hint: it’s with words.

2014-03-09_2046
An old woman remembers her late husband fondly. We dare you not to cry.

2014-03-09_2040

Season 2, Episode 15: “Before and After,” As Reviewed By Frank Underwood

2014-02-12_1836

You really learn a lot about someone when they’ve had a brush with death. If they get all weepy about the meaning of life, they are the selfish ones. They have the delusion that they are here for a reason. It’s the ones that didn’t care, the ones with nothing to lose. that have something interesting to say.

2014-02-12_1832

I don’t care for prejudice. Why dismiss someone before you can learn what scares them the most.

2014-02-12_1842

A person who owns luxury home doesn’t impress me; it’s just taking family drama from community theater to Madison Square Garden. Everyone wants a ticket to the dysfunction

2014-02-12_1846

Addicts are told to give up the thing they love most. When people lose their greatest love, they embrace tedium.

2014-02-12_1848

Vulnerability is like a festering wound. If you don’t bandage it, it’ll start to rot.

2014-02-12_1849
I have no patience for sexual promiscuity. After a while, doesn’t it all just feel like a dead marriage?

Season 2, Episode 14: “The Actor,” As Reviewed By the Theatre Critic From The New York Times

2014-02-09_1025

A Woman’s Scorn: Irony And the Disillusion of Gender
Phyllis Hammerow, Patrick Vaughn, and Dorothy Zbornak
The Miami Community Players
Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater, Wed-Friday, 4pm
Review by Ryerson B. Colby, The New York Times

When my editor sent me to Miami for opening night of this play, I knew it would be subversive. I had heard the buzz surrounding it and the rumors were flying. The characters were all played by senior citizens, the actors would read their lines from the audience, the third act was just an old Italian widow weeping in the parking lot. What I didn’t expect was  for the play to be five minutes long.

A Woman’s Scorn is a play about how the past haunts us: both a heathen’s past and a bygone era. Patrick Vaughn plays Biff, a man who arrives at this small town inhabited by elderly women in circle skirts. Vaughn plays him as an egoist and a nihilist. He declares his love for fair Josie, played with the utmost camp by Phyllis Hammerow, in front of the annual July Fourth picnic. Josie doubts his love, and this quickly ushers in the decline of reality. and we are in what I can only call a world David Lynch would love. The sheriff, brilliantly played in drag by Zbornak, hassles Biff with a sexual tension that breaks through the male archetype of its era.

2014-02-09_1016

Two members of the town begin a conversation stage left about their exploits with Biff, but not Biff the character, the actor playing Biff. This meta-reference is deserving of a Charlie Kaufman-esque accolade. The confessions of these anonymous women (and tell me, what women do not feel anonymous) drive the small town crowd into a frenzy, with the women all  claiming sexual interactions with Biff, finally sending Biff away into what only can be interpreted in hell, much like Don Giovonni in the infamous operatic Commandatore scene.

After five minutes, the awkward bows started, and the audience was uncomfortable and unsure of what to do, as such mainstream and amateur audiences wouldn’t expect such a non-narrative structure. It turned the simple narrative on its head! I wanted to yell at them, but they were already shuffling off to their cars. Disappointingly, there was no Italian widow in their paths.

2014-02-09_1022

I can only help that this production finds a home in Edinburgh’s Fringe Festival, where its genius can be more appreciated. Not since Shia LeBoeuf’s #IAMSORRY performance art piece have I questioned the very nature of art. And life.

2014-02-09_1007

Season 2, Episode 13: “The Stan Who Came To Dinner”

2014-02-05_2038

When a sitcom lasts eight seasons, it’s damn near impossible to bat a winner in everyone episode. And that’s okay. If we love the characters, we’d watch them do anything. That’s what this episode was, so I really don’t want to waste your time going through it. Stan Zbornak returns, announces he’s getting triple bypass surgery, and out of guilt, lets Stan stay in the house for recovery. He fakes his slow recovery so he can stay longer because he misses Dorothy. Dorothy makes piece with him. I guess all you die-hard Stan fans (are there any?) love this episode.

2014-02-05_2023

But let’s get to the important stuff. Blanche is dating one half of the world’s least charming twins. When Dorothy skips out on her double date, she basically gets double-teamed. Because they are identical twins, there’s hilarity about their identical dicks and whatnot.

Dorothy is a brave pioneer into the world of accessorizing.

2014-02-05_2024