Season 3, Episode 1: “Old Friends”, Or The One With the Alternate Dimension

We’re at Season Three already. How time flies! Speaking of time, there’s time travel. Speaking of time travel, something also science-fictiony is alternate dimensions. I learned in the movie Coherence that different versions of reality can still, temporally and spatially, interchange (or interfere) with each other. That means at any given time, there are infinite alternative realities happening at any given time. Think of all the alternate realities that have been created by decisions that are seemingly the result of free will. For instance, there could be another reality where Sophia is a black man.

2014-11-26_2239

 

Maybe this man will also come to a boardwalk that was constructed by a high school theater class. Perhaps he will also like to talk shit about people on the beach.

2014-11-26_2241

Meanwhile, there’s a reality somewhere in the time/space continuum where Rose is a Rhodes Scholar. There is another one where her arch-nemesis is a young Jenny Lewis playing an off-brand Girl Scout helping these old ladies with their yard sale, and Blanche accidentally gives away her teddy bear.

2014-11-26_2235

 

However, Rose surprises us all by tricking the child and literally throwing her out of the house.

2014-11-26_2254

 

Oh look, in this alternate reality there’s a black Dorothy! Makes sense I guess.

2014-11-26_2255

Meanwhile, Alvin, Sophia’s new friend, goes full r-t-rd and plays an Alzheimer’s patient. We leave the episode learning that Black Dorothy will have to have him move away for treatment, and Sophia doesn’t understand because in this dimension Sophia is cursed with immortality.

Hey surprise! Sophia talks about cocks in this episode, and not Blanche.

2014-11-26_2252

2014-11-26_2253

And Season Three begins the onslaught of fat jokes. Here lies the infamous exchange between Blanche and Rose where Blanche relays her story of being hit on by a salesperson in the ladies’ petites department. Rose says, “What were you doing in ladies’ petites?”

2014-11-26_2258_001

Blanche does not approve of advanced quantum physics theory.

 

 

Season 2, Episode 26; “Empty Nests” or An Abomination of Television

2014-11-11_1937

I mean, what else do women want to do?

Well, it’s always nice to see tv writers tryout some new things. Sitcoms can start to feel stagnant, and it’s always nice to take a risk on some new developments. For writers, it’s a creative exercise that is necessary to continue to challenge themselves in the realm of creativity. And ultimately, television is the most prominent artistic expression of the 20th and 21st centuries. With that said,

What fucking imbecile person was responsible for this turd of an episode?

Yes, yes, I can read Wikipedia. I know that this was supposed to be the spin-off for Empty Nest. But someone actually thought this one-off episode would be compelling enough. An episode in which a brother with multiple personality disorder and a creepy rapey neighbor make appearances for no good reason. An episode in which suddenly the fab four are bffs with a neighbor we have never met before and is helping her with marital problems.

Really, I don’t blame (some) of the actors here. Paul Mooney is a great underrated actor. Rita Moreno is one of the nations only EGOTs. David Leisure is…..unbearable. Unbearable. How did this man audition for anything without a casting director shooting themselves in the face?

Let me break it down for you. Please take some tylenol in advance to ward off the pain from such a piece of shitty television writing. I’m surprised Don Barnhard, famed director of Saved By The Bell, didn’t have his hand in this. THe opening is just like any other episode: the four gals are all home at the same time, Rose is stupid, Blanche has her legs open, you know, the usual. Rene, from next door (Ms, Moreno, obviously being blackmailed into doing this guest spot) stops by. There’s some banter about Palestine getting Greenland as  a consolation prize (TOO SOON) and Rene called in a radio show nor some outdated reference. Rene thinks it’s hilarious, so she makes this face:

2014-11-11_1940

And Dorothy isn’t pleased either.

2014-11-11_1939

“Did you tell him yet?” they pry. Maybe Rose turned another friend into a lesbian, and she has to tell her husband. No, Rene’s big plan is to tell her doctor husband to work less hours because she is lonely since their daughter left for college. WOMEN, AM I RIGHT? It’s a fair request, but Rene wants it because she’s lonely at home and has nothing to do. Get a fucking hobby! Go develop a gambling problem with Sophia!

In the only moment of joy in this awful, offensive, vile episode is when Rose laments that cutting down on his hours may cause her to have to go to another doctor. “[Your husband] is the only one that’s seen me naked.” Also, not true, since she’s had several boyfriends. Blanche, with perfect timing, replies:

2014-11-11_1943

And this is why Rue McClanahan is a fucking comedic genius. In one line she gives us a spot of sunshine in a dreary episode that makes us all want to die. Although, Blanche reminds us that she’s also kind of a sociopath and couldn’t fucking wait for her kids to get out of her house.

2014-11-11_1944

Thus the transition to the house next door is complete. It’s actually a bit more stylish than our gals. Except the kitchen is all glass walls and shelves, and it’s creepy. One hurricane and you’ll be pulling glass shards from your jugular. Which, unfortunately, doesn’t happen. What does happen is a Laurel and Hardy farce that is so unbelievable it makes Out of This World seem like a documentary.

2014-11-11_1947

Rene keeps trying to talk to George, but he keeps getting zany calls from his patients. Oh they don’t let up! It’s almost like George is supposed to…care about his patients. This one guy needs to be on diet but he keeps eating creamed beef! Someone peed!


2014-11-11_1945

In between all that, George’s brother Chuck knocks at the door. “How do you know who I am! I have multiple personalities!” exclaims Chuck, in the worst excuse for exposition and ridiculous, dare I say offensive, plot device . Meanwhile, they let him roam the streets instead of being, ah, uh, institutionalized? “My doctor says I can get my own place…but who can afford three bedrooms?” Oh yea. Sophia stops by looking for Mr.Fix-It, one of his personalities. After taking a dump in the shitter, crazy brother emerges as Mr. Fix-It, so Sophia leads him to their house, a perfect exit for an introduction we did not need.  “This is like Vaudeville!” Sophia exclaims. Good to know the gals still have the funny lines.

2014-11-11_1946

The door opens again and it’s Jenny, who has dropped out of Columbia U because her boyfriend dumped her. She followed him to college. You know, because getting into Columbia is super easy.  Also, she hopped on a plane? And got a taxi home? In the middle of the semester? Rene doesn’t seem so mad. Blanche, who has arrived, starts touching herself while talking about professors at southern colleges fucking her as a student. Real appropriate.

Blanche makes things worse by telling her she’s never been rejected. Well, once:

2014-11-11_1956

And then…ugh….I cant even…David Liesure, as neighbor Oliver comes in. This man is so unappealing, with his whiny voice and greasy hair. Oliver immediately tells Rene, George and Jenny that he fucked a bunch of stewardesses. Oliver forces George to look at something that may be skin cancer. It’s a liver spot and his whiny reaction made me run around my house and scream for five minutes.  Of all the things that were not changed once Empty Nest became a show, I can’t believe David Liesure was the one character they kept. Dorothy makes an appearance only to glare at neighbor Oliver and tell the audience that last New Year’s Eve he showed up with naked women and urinated in the linen closet. What sort of ragers are they having?

2014-11-11_1957

Rene decides to go with Jenny back to New York and gets an agent to star in commercials. She used to be in show biz! Oliver keeps George company. George, a man who has a medical degree suddenly has the realization that this is what Rene was feeling – loneliness!

2014-11-11_2001

Ah-dooooyyyy

Wow, what a realization! He arrives at Rene’s hotel professing his love and devotion to her. He’s going to move his office home, to be like Dr. Huxtable. Minus the rape.

2014-11-11_2004

They bang (offscreen) and lay in bed professing their love for each other. George somehow insults her looks and they end with Rene asking, “promise me you’ll never die.” Credits. BLEAK!

 2014-11-11_2006

My dislike of this episode, and many fans feeling about it, are not just because we miss out on the Golden Gals, but because this episode is so terribly written. It’s ever sitcom cliche before there were cliches. It’s about people we don’t care about and who are difficult to like. Rene seems like an overbearing wife. George seems like a dumb husband. Chuck and Oliver- just ugh. In reading about Empty Nest, it’s pretty hilarious that they had seasons where family members were brought on that were never even mentioned on previous shows.

I’d love to hear oral histories right from the source. Does anyone remember watching this episode when it originally aired? Was there bedlam in the streets?

Season 2, Episode 21;”Dorothy’s Prized Pupil”, the Childhood Memoir of Alfred Clifford Slater

 

2014-10-08_1916

When I arrived at Bayside High on that fateful day, before I got a boner for Kelly Kapowski, before I got a secret boner for Zack Morris, I had a story. A secret story. My cover was that I was a military brat, and no one questioned why my father was white. But it was a new start. A new, secret start.

I was born Mario, not A.C. Legend has it I came out of the birth canal in acid-washed denim. I had dimples because the nurses couldn’t stop squeezing my cheeks. And the ones on my face! Hahaha. This was in Mexico, where things were bad. My parents sent me to live with a strange man who traveled a lot because he had a habit of not making any real human connections. The first place they sent me was Miami. Miami? Where was the Miami that Will Smith was singing about? This one was filled with old ladies.

2014-10-08_1901

What are the odds that Blanche’s ancestors owned slaves? Very high.

 

And one old lady, in particular, payed way more attention to me than was necessary. She subbed for my civics class for one day, but for some reason she invited me to her house for extra tutoring. I ended up going because really, what else was I going to do among all these old folks in Miami? But still, did no one from the school intervene?

2014-10-08_1842

It turned out to be quite entertaining. Ms. Zbornak lived with some real pieces of work. One was mentally challenged, and one like to validate herself through her sexual conquests. Pretty textbook. They doted over me like crazy, like they never saw a puberty-aged Mexican boy before.

2014-10-08_1841

Ms. ‘s old mother had some dirty vhs tapes that she let me watch one time when I came over and Ms. Z wasn’t home yet. “Where can I see more of these?” I asked her, and she gave me the address of a theater in downtown. I would go there constantly to see all the naked ladies and all the banging. Strangely, no one asked me my age or forbade me from going. Dimples can get you anywhere!

 

I could not stop thinking about naked ladies. All the time. It got so bad that when Ms. Z asked me to write an essay, I almost wrote it about naked ladies. Instead, I wrote about the actual dirty movie theater. I said something corny like, “this is what America must be like.” (I meant, a land where it was okay for a bunch of dudes to sit together in a dark theater watching nudie pics.)

2014-10-08_1859

Ms. Z shit herself and entered me in a district contest, and of course I won because no one gives a flying fuck about those contests. Well, somehow, the judge of the contest was an Immigration Offer, turns out he was on my tail and had started the contest because he knew I would enter! Dammit! Always one step ahead!

2014-10-08_1859_001

“Did I do thaaaat?”

Ms. Z found me in the movie theater in the dead of the night and she proceeded to have a heartwarming convo despite others trying to watch the movie.

2014-10-08_1910

I flashed those dimps like no one’s business but they still decided I should get deported. Well, I wasn’t having it. Me and my fake Dad went on the run. At one point I posed as a girl at a Catholic school and let me tell you, wacky hijinks ensued. But all during that time I wanted to make sure I was ready when they came for me. I worked out six hours a day and bought anabolic steroids off the street.

2014-10-08_1915

Really, what will they keep in touch about?

By the time I ended up at Bayside, I could no longer pee without screaming in pain and my biceps were bigger than a fetal pig we had to dissect. But looking thirty five in high school has its advantages.

ac-slater-o

 

But I sure do miss those old ladies.

2014-10-08_1902

I miss them something fierce.

2014-10-08_1848

Season 2 Episode 25; “A Piece of Cake”, The Grump, The Fool & The Whore

If I knew more about the bible, I’d maybe be able to find a passage that mirrors the vignettes in this episodes. It seems as if it should teach us a lesson, like the three animals in Anti-Christ, a movie I love to bring up often in normal conversation.

2014-08-23_2309

2014-08-23_2312

The episode revolves around cakes, and how cakes have set off crazy events in our gal’s lives. It’s also a “let’s remember” episode which are always lovely. And a lazy writing technique.

Dorothy and the Shitty Birthday

2014-08-23_2314

Dorothy is turning, I don’t know, 48 or whatever absurdly young age these women are supposed to be, and Rose has planned the party. Because Rose is a functioning deranged person, she takes them all to a child’s birthday place, where they serve hot dogs and a sad clown does a sad stage show and they do a birthday march. Rose of course loves it because her brain cells are slowing decaying but no one takes this illness seriously. Dorothy is having a coniption, and I know for the effect of comedy, but why wouldn’t she just walk the fuck right out of there. Blanche is probably there so she can fuck the clown backstage. Have you heard she’s a whore?

2014-08-23_2314_001

That’s what Blanche said!

The Ghost of Charlie

Golden Girls has depressing moments and poignant moments, and this is both. Too bad it is shoe-horned between such idiotic plotlines. It’s several years ago, and Rose wakes up in her kitchen in Wisconsin and prepares a cake for Charlie’s birthday, seemingly talking to him in the other room.

2014-08-23_2317

Turns out, he’s already dead and she’s talking to herself, essentially. She tells Charlie that she doesn’t want to live in their old house and she wants to move to Miami. I have nothing shitty to say. It’s a good scene. Except I find it hard to believe that Rose looks exactly the same in the flashback.

No Sleep for Brooklyn!

It’s the sixties and younger Dorothy comes over to her parents house. Sophia and her husband fight like Italian stereotypes and moral of the story is they end up fucking in their bedroom while Dorothy is in the living room. Is this show always about sex?

2014-08-23_2323

The Birthday Gang Bang

Blanche claims she hates surprise parties because she hates birthdays because they remind her of getting older and in case you didn’t know, Blanche is vain as fuck. The irony of it all is that the other three were planning a surprise party for her. But who are all these guests? Well, Rose just called everyone in Blanche’s black book by her bedside. Hahahaha! This is a party consisting of Blanche’s fuck buddies. They congo inside the house, presumably into Blanche’s bedroom for Miami’s greatest gang bang.

2014-08-23_2333

Yes, these are the men that Blanche is banging. Repeatedly, because all of them were fine with coming to the party. I’m not here to criticize someone’s looks, but I’m going to criticize someone’s looks. Look at this fucking guy:

2014-08-23_2332

Although this extra is having the time of his life. I wonder if they were promised a real gang bang.

Here we are finally told what the fuck a lanai is.

2014-08-23_2328

Season 2, Episode 24: “To Catch a Neighbor” as reviewed by a gruff, seen-it-all before detective

2014-07-07_1847

Yes, that’s the Cloons himself.

So yea when I got on the Miami beat I figured hey, how hard could it be, stopping robbers from taking little old ladies’ pocketbooks. [takes drag of cigar from side of mouth]. But then just my luck, bona-fide jewel thieves show up.

There was only one way to get ‘em- and that meant makin’ sweet with one of their neigbors. To the west there was these real hooligan types. I knew this because they had a messy lawn. Only hooligans had messy lawns. To the east though, was this house of nice old ladies, and they were all white. It was perfect…almost too perfect.

2014-07-07_1852

Al, I tell myself, I can’t get involved, I says to myself. Remember what happened in ‘62 with sweet little Marla Goldstein? Don’t want that to happen again. Good thing I bought a decoy, this cute rookie named Bobby who was barely out of his training pants with three weeks on the force. Little old ladies would love Bobby.

2014-07-07_1906

Bobby sleeps in Blanche’s bed and they do weird role play stuff.

It was a tough case to crack, but these ladies had, excuse my language, testicles. The one was throwing herself at me, but I knew better than to let myself get into the arms of a woman who was so self-assured and confident. Just not my type.

2014-07-07_1847_001 2014-07-07_1848 2014-07-07_1848_001

 

They did work guys on the force for twenty years couldn’t do; these broads covertly planted a listening device, which allowed me to sit at their kitchen table late at night listening to headphones waiting for some intel. It was just a job.

2014-07-07_1855

But oh, that one broad really got to me. The tall one with the Gimbel’s wardrobe. Don’t get involved Al. I tells myself. But I was involved.

2014-07-07_1907

Don’t worry, you can all hide under Dorothy’s nightgown.

And you know what happens when you get involved? You get hurt. See, that little sissy Bobby went and got himself shot and the ladies got all weepy and this tall broad breaks it off before I could even get a handful.

2014-07-07_1909

Everyone is still shitting on Rose.

But Al, you saved lives, you might say. Yea I did. But there was one life I didn’t save. The one I coulda had.

2014-07-07_1903

 

What can I say. This is the life I chose, this is the life I will live. I gotta get back to these ladies, give ‘em fake badges or something. They’d probably like that. Until I get to my next assignment. First jewel thieves, what next? Map stealers?

2014-07-07_1908

Goddammit, why aren’t cell phones available? Al has to run from the crime scene back to their house in order to call for help.

Season 2, Episode 23; “Son-In-Law Dearest” as Told By Titles of Misfits Songs

The misfitsGrowing up, I imagined my daughter Kate as a TEENAGER FROM MARS. I mean, my time as a teenager was so different. I never understood her need to hang out at the record store or all the time she and her friends wanted to talk on the phone.

Then she comes along one day to tell me she’s getting married. I never even met the guy! I figured though, if Kate likes him, then I like him. I mean, the man is a doctor for Pete’s sake! He makes sure people don’t DIE DIE MY DARLING. No, it’s not because I’m shallow. It’s so if Kate ever hurts herself, he’ll know how to take care of her. By spending lots of money on her! I kid, I kid. I just don’t want to find her in a DEVIL’S WHOREHOUSE.

2014-06-10_2028

Kate comes for a visit and tells me she has some news! I almost died. Finally, I’d get to be a grandmother! I mean, that HATE BREEDER  of a son Michael probably has impregnated women all over, but they don’t count. So Kate gets here, she may or may not be the same person who she was in the second episode; this very well may be NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.

2014-06-10_2030

But she’s not pregnant, you see. That asshole Dennis has cheated on her and she’s leaving him! Apparently leaving him also caused her to dress like a cowgirl at a debutante ball. I had SOME KIND OF HATE for Dennis, and that hate was pure rage.  No one messes with the daughter of this QUEEN WASP and gets away with it.

2014-06-10_2038

SPEAK OF THE DEVIL, the next day, however, Dennis came over from the HORROR HOTEL to talk to Kate, and she forgives this ANGELFUCK. How dare she? Show knows what the shit brick Stan put me through when he cheated on me.

But, my best girlfriends convinced me that I have to let me daughter do what she wants with her life, even if she asks me MOMMY CAN I GO OUT AND KILL TONIGHT. She was forgiven and she and Dennis head off.

2014-06-10_2043

You know what else happened that made our SKULLS ache? Rose and her late husband Charlie fuuuucked like no one’s business. From 7pm to midnight, then for two hours in the morning. Blanche claimed that is was ONLY MAKE BELIEVE but Rose insisted it was true, every LAST CARESS.

2014-06-10_2036_001 2014-06-10_2036

giphy

Season 2, Episode 22; “Diamond In the Rough” as Reviewed By Lars Von Trier

2014-05-09_1952

 

Romance is a falsehood, only pain and suffering provides us with the human experience. However, the mother stares grimly at the daughter, a grown woman enveloped in the stink of her own loneliness. The mother offers her a metaphorical teat: she is trying to purchase a date for her daughter to the big banquet. Prostitution is loneliness commodified.

2014-05-09_1928

The good Doc Cottle, transported by a time machine from the Battlestar Galactica warship, enters the brothel. His time travel is not questioned, nor the likelihood that a woman could comprehend the complexities of time travel without feeling the pain of a thousand lashes on her vulva. The women, as they do, welcome him with the heat of their loins with the visceral notion of a fox eating its own entrails. However, there is one woman, the Nymphomaniac, that captures his attention. “Chaos reigns,” are the words her pheromones spelled.

2014-05-09_1929

And so they go about the banalities of a sexual relationship. satiating the Nymphomaniac with the fatherly attention she is trying to recreate. In this moment, he understands Hitler. But her fear of gynocide causes her to sabotage the pairing, claiming the class differences that divide them are degrading her. “I want to degrade you for the rest of your life,” the swarthy doctor from the future asks her, but with too late for irony and impatience have clouded the judgement of the human woman, as has through all of time. “A woman’s lies are her truths,” the metaphorical wombat in the corner utters as it devours an unborn fetus.

2014-05-09_1932

As the Nymphomaniac projects her suffering onto her lover, for he was tardy to their date for fixing a stranded woman’s car – a woman fixing a car is like a fish reading the Koran- the other Nymphs in the brothel begin their heated estrus phase. This does not squelch the Nymphomaniac’s ego, as she compels him to remember the gross class divisions between them. “A fortitude of melancholy is a women’s bow and arrow,” the metaphorical wombat quips.

2014-05-09_1949

2014-05-09_1945

There is a formal affair, to which all pageantry is brought, including a grotesque and degrading commentary on cross-dressing is played for the humor of the masses. The Doc is there, providing physical nourishment and interpersonal agony. He cannot be with a women, this nymph, if she tries to change him. He is who he is, a man that works with his hands with pride, and the superficial Nymphomaniac can never receive his love.

2014-05-09_1957

“Life is only on earth, and not for long,” says the wombat.

2014-05-09_1934

 

Season 2, Episode 20: Whose Face Is This, Anyway?; as Reviewed By xoJane Headlines

2014-04-12_1750

Headlines From the aforementioned Ladymag :

Unpopular Opinion: I’m Getting Plastic Surgery Because I Don’t Want to Look Old and Horrible Like My Haggard Best Friends

It Happened To Me: I Went to My Sorority Reunion And I Wasn’t the Center of Attention and No One Told Me I Was Pretty

2014-04-12_1753

My Elderly Mother is Emotionally Abuse to Me, So I Gave Her a Makeover

It Happened To Me: I Was Blouse-Shamed

Help! Jane Pratt is Making Me Listen to the Story of How She is Besties With Liv Tyler for the Zillionth Time

Issues: Old People Can Go to College Too, You Know

2014-04-12_1746

You’re The Advice Columnist: Should I Date My Plastic Surgeon?

IHTM: I Live In Miami Yet Never See The Beach

Unpopular Opinion: Putting Your Friends’ Looks Down Is The Fastest Way To Self-Love

We Fired Our Gay Housekeeper: Why I Still Think His Ghost Haunts Our House

Notes:

There was not much to say about this one except that Blanche was a raging cunt to the other ladies about their looks, especially Dorothy, who spent the episode being told she was a disgusting old hag. Maybe that is why Bea had some beef with the other actresses? They enjoyed those lines too much?

There’s a gag where the gals visit the hospital thinking they are visiting Blanche after her plastic surgery, but it is a guy and they see his dick, prompting them to think Blanche had a sex change. I am not at all for this being the basis of a joke, but the ladies really shine comedicly in the situation. 

2014-04-12_1808

Season 2, Episode 19: “Long Day’s Journey Into Marinara”

2014-04-05_2117

So, really, what is wrong with Rose? Like, really wrong? Did she have a split in reality after Charlie died? Early onset of Alzheimer’s? Because, let’s face it, no one could live with that much crazy.

This time, she is chick-sitting for a neighbor’s show chicken, who plays the piano. Yes, you read that right. Meanwhile, Aunt Angela is back only after a few episodes. I mean, let us miss her a little! Angela and Sophia start fighting again, because that’s just such an original concept. Then Angela “cooks” the show chicken and Rose has a psychotic break.

2014-04-05_2144

Sophia thinks Angela has made the moves on her man but it turns out Tony (her lovah) is cheating on her with someone else entirely.

I wish this could be more entertaining, but hey, some episodes are turds. However, this episode did treat us to this edgy racist joke:

2014-04-05_2130

Anyway, sorry for the lack of anything to say about this episode.

FBkYD