Season 2 Episode 25; “A Piece of Cake”, The Grump, The Fool & The Whore

If I knew more about the bible, I’d maybe be able to find a passage that mirrors the vignettes in this episodes. It seems as if it should teach us a lesson, like the three animals in Anti-Christ, a movie I love to bring up often in normal conversation.

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The episode revolves around cakes, and how cakes have set off crazy events in our gal’s lives. It’s also a “let’s remember” episode which are always lovely. And a lazy writing technique.

Dorothy and the Shitty Birthday

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Dorothy is turning, I don’t know, 48 or whatever absurdly young age these women are supposed to be, and Rose has planned the party. Because Rose is a functioning deranged person, she takes them all to a child’s birthday place, where they serve hot dogs and a sad clown does a sad stage show and they do a birthday march. Rose of course loves it because her brain cells are slowing decaying but no one takes this illness seriously. Dorothy is having a coniption, and I know for the effect of comedy, but why wouldn’t she just walk the fuck right out of there. Blanche is probably there so she can fuck the clown backstage. Have you heard she’s a whore?

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That’s what Blanche said!

The Ghost of Charlie

Golden Girls has depressing moments and poignant moments, and this is both. Too bad it is shoe-horned between such idiotic plotlines. It’s several years ago, and Rose wakes up in her kitchen in Wisconsin and prepares a cake for Charlie’s birthday, seemingly talking to him in the other room.

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Turns out, he’s already dead and she’s talking to herself, essentially. She tells Charlie that she doesn’t want to live in their old house and she wants to move to Miami. I have nothing shitty to say. It’s a good scene. Except I find it hard to believe that Rose looks exactly the same in the flashback.

No Sleep for Brooklyn!

It’s the sixties and younger Dorothy comes over to her parents house. Sophia and her husband fight like Italian stereotypes and moral of the story is they end up fucking in their bedroom while Dorothy is in the living room. Is this show always about sex?

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The Birthday Gang Bang

Blanche claims she hates surprise parties because she hates birthdays because they remind her of getting older and in case you didn’t know, Blanche is vain as fuck. The irony of it all is that the other three were planning a surprise party for her. But who are all these guests? Well, Rose just called everyone in Blanche’s black book by her bedside. Hahahaha! This is a party consisting of Blanche’s fuck buddies. They congo inside the house, presumably into Blanche’s bedroom for Miami’s greatest gang bang.

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Yes, these are the men that Blanche is banging. Repeatedly, because all of them were fine with coming to the party. I’m not here to criticize someone’s looks, but I’m going to criticize someone’s looks. Look at this fucking guy:

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Although this extra is having the time of his life. I wonder if they were promised a real gang bang.

Here we are finally told what the fuck a lanai is.

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Season 2, Episode 24: “To Catch a Neighbor” as reviewed by a gruff, seen-it-all before detective

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Yes, that’s the Cloons himself.

So yea when I got on the Miami beat I figured hey, how hard could it be, stopping robbers from taking little old ladies’ pocketbooks. [takes drag of cigar from side of mouth]. But then just my luck, bona-fide jewel thieves show up.

There was only one way to get ‘em- and that meant makin’ sweet with one of their neigbors. To the west there was these real hooligan types. I knew this because they had a messy lawn. Only hooligans had messy lawns. To the east though, was this house of nice old ladies, and they were all white. It was perfect…almost too perfect.

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Al, I tell myself, I can’t get involved, I says to myself. Remember what happened in ‘62 with sweet little Marla Goldstein? Don’t want that to happen again. Good thing I bought a decoy, this cute rookie named Bobby who was barely out of his training pants with three weeks on the force. Little old ladies would love Bobby.

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Bobby sleeps in Blanche’s bed and they do weird role play stuff.

It was a tough case to crack, but these ladies had, excuse my language, testicles. The one was throwing herself at me, but I knew better than to let myself get into the arms of a woman who was so self-assured and confident. Just not my type.

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They did work guys on the force for twenty years couldn’t do; these broads covertly planted a listening device, which allowed me to sit at their kitchen table late at night listening to headphones waiting for some intel. It was just a job.

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But oh, that one broad really got to me. The tall one with the Gimbel’s wardrobe. Don’t get involved Al. I tells myself. But I was involved.

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Don’t worry, you can all hide under Dorothy’s nightgown.

And you know what happens when you get involved? You get hurt. See, that little sissy Bobby went and got himself shot and the ladies got all weepy and this tall broad breaks it off before I could even get a handful.

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Everyone is still shitting on Rose.

But Al, you saved lives, you might say. Yea I did. But there was one life I didn’t save. The one I coulda had.

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What can I say. This is the life I chose, this is the life I will live. I gotta get back to these ladies, give ‘em fake badges or something. They’d probably like that. Until I get to my next assignment. First jewel thieves, what next? Map stealers?

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Goddammit, why aren’t cell phones available? Al has to run from the crime scene back to their house in order to call for help.

Season 2, Episode 23; “Son-In-Law Dearest” as Told By Titles of Misfits Songs

The misfitsGrowing up, I imagined my daughter Kate as a TEENAGER FROM MARS. I mean, my time as a teenager was so different. I never understood her need to hang out at the record store or all the time she and her friends wanted to talk on the phone.

Then she comes along one day to tell me she’s getting married. I never even met the guy! I figured though, if Kate likes him, then I like him. I mean, the man is a doctor for Pete’s sake! He makes sure people don’t DIE DIE MY DARLING. No, it’s not because I’m shallow. It’s so if Kate ever hurts herself, he’ll know how to take care of her. By spending lots of money on her! I kid, I kid. I just don’t want to find her in a DEVIL’S WHOREHOUSE.

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Kate comes for a visit and tells me she has some news! I almost died. Finally, I’d get to be a grandmother! I mean, that HATE BREEDER  of a son Michael probably has impregnated women all over, but they don’t count. So Kate gets here, she may or may not be the same person who she was in the second episode; this very well may be NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.

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But she’s not pregnant, you see. That asshole Dennis has cheated on her and she’s leaving him! Apparently leaving him also caused her to dress like a cowgirl at a debutante ball. I had SOME KIND OF HATE for Dennis, and that hate was pure rage.  No one messes with the daughter of this QUEEN WASP and gets away with it.

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SPEAK OF THE DEVIL, the next day, however, Dennis came over from the HORROR HOTEL to talk to Kate, and she forgives this ANGELFUCK. How dare she? Show knows what the shit brick Stan put me through when he cheated on me.

But, my best girlfriends convinced me that I have to let me daughter do what she wants with her life, even if she asks me MOMMY CAN I GO OUT AND KILL TONIGHT. She was forgiven and she and Dennis head off.

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You know what else happened that made our SKULLS ache? Rose and her late husband Charlie fuuuucked like no one’s business. From 7pm to midnight, then for two hours in the morning. Blanche claimed that is was ONLY MAKE BELIEVE but Rose insisted it was true, every LAST CARESS.

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Season 2, Episode 22; “Diamond In the Rough” as Reviewed By Lars Von Trier

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Romance is a falsehood, only pain and suffering provides us with the human experience. However, the mother stares grimly at the daughter, a grown woman enveloped in the stink of her own loneliness. The mother offers her a metaphorical teat: she is trying to purchase a date for her daughter to the big banquet. Prostitution is loneliness commodified.

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The good Doc Cottle, transported by a time machine from the Battlestar Galactica warship, enters the brothel. His time travel is not questioned, nor the likelihood that a woman could comprehend the complexities of time travel without feeling the pain of a thousand lashes on her vulva. The women, as they do, welcome him with the heat of their loins with the visceral notion of a fox eating its own entrails. However, there is one woman, the Nymphomaniac, that captures his attention. “Chaos reigns,” are the words her pheromones spelled.

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And so they go about the banalities of a sexual relationship. satiating the Nymphomaniac with the fatherly attention she is trying to recreate. In this moment, he understands Hitler. But her fear of gynocide causes her to sabotage the pairing, claiming the class differences that divide them are degrading her. “I want to degrade you for the rest of your life,” the swarthy doctor from the future asks her, but with too late for irony and impatience have clouded the judgement of the human woman, as has through all of time. “A woman’s lies are her truths,” the metaphorical wombat in the corner utters as it devours an unborn fetus.

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As the Nymphomaniac projects her suffering onto her lover, for he was tardy to their date for fixing a stranded woman’s car – a woman fixing a car is like a fish reading the Koran- the other Nymphs in the brothel begin their heated estrus phase. This does not squelch the Nymphomaniac’s ego, as she compels him to remember the gross class divisions between them. “A fortitude of melancholy is a women’s bow and arrow,” the metaphorical wombat quips.

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There is a formal affair, to which all pageantry is brought, including a grotesque and degrading commentary on cross-dressing is played for the humor of the masses. The Doc is there, providing physical nourishment and interpersonal agony. He cannot be with a women, this nymph, if she tries to change him. He is who he is, a man that works with his hands with pride, and the superficial Nymphomaniac can never receive his love.

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“Life is only on earth, and not for long,” says the wombat.

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Season 2, Episode 20: Whose Face Is This, Anyway?; as Reviewed By xoJane Headlines

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Headlines From the aforementioned Ladymag :

Unpopular Opinion: I’m Getting Plastic Surgery Because I Don’t Want to Look Old and Horrible Like My Haggard Best Friends

It Happened To Me: I Went to My Sorority Reunion And I Wasn’t the Center of Attention and No One Told Me I Was Pretty

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My Elderly Mother is Emotionally Abuse to Me, So I Gave Her a Makeover

It Happened To Me: I Was Blouse-Shamed

Help! Jane Pratt is Making Me Listen to the Story of How She is Besties With Liv Tyler for the Zillionth Time

Issues: Old People Can Go to College Too, You Know

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You’re The Advice Columnist: Should I Date My Plastic Surgeon?

IHTM: I Live In Miami Yet Never See The Beach

Unpopular Opinion: Putting Your Friends’ Looks Down Is The Fastest Way To Self-Love

We Fired Our Gay Housekeeper: Why I Still Think His Ghost Haunts Our House

Notes:

There was not much to say about this one except that Blanche was a raging cunt to the other ladies about their looks, especially Dorothy, who spent the episode being told she was a disgusting old hag. Maybe that is why Bea had some beef with the other actresses? They enjoyed those lines too much?

There’s a gag where the gals visit the hospital thinking they are visiting Blanche after her plastic surgery, but it is a guy and they see his dick, prompting them to think Blanche had a sex change. I am not at all for this being the basis of a joke, but the ladies really shine comedicly in the situation. 

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Season 2, Episode 19: “Long Day’s Journey Into Marinara”

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So, really, what is wrong with Rose? Like, really wrong? Did she have a split in reality after Charlie died? Early onset of Alzheimer’s? Because, let’s face it, no one could live with that much crazy.

This time, she is chick-sitting for a neighbor’s show chicken, who plays the piano. Yes, you read that right. Meanwhile, Aunt Angela is back only after a few episodes. I mean, let us miss her a little! Angela and Sophia start fighting again, because that’s just such an original concept. Then Angela “cooks” the show chicken and Rose has a psychotic break.

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Sophia thinks Angela has made the moves on her man but it turns out Tony (her lovah) is cheating on her with someone else entirely.

I wish this could be more entertaining, but hey, some episodes are turds. However, this episode did treat us to this edgy racist joke:

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Anyway, sorry for the lack of anything to say about this episode.

FBkYD

 

Season 2, Episode 18: “Forgive Me Father,” As Reviewed By God

God

 

Well hello my people. How are you liking that long book I wrote? I’ve been dying to write a sequel but really, who has the time? I’ve been too busy saving people from natural disasters while leaving others to perish, inspiring songs from The Beach Boys and Joan Osbourne, helping celebrities win Oscars and professional athletes win games. You know, the usual celeb stuff.

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Picture not related.

Just like any celeb, I have amassed a group of Superfans. Much like Bronies, Browncoats (people inexplicably obsessed with the mediocre sci-fi western Firely), and people following that deranged cult leader Dan Harmon, I have a group of people who wear very specific costumes and devote most of their time devoted to me. They call themselves priests (and my ladyfans can be nuns). Much like the Star Trek/Star Wars devotees, they too can’t get laid! I kid, I kid. I like to mess around. I do the open mic at Flapper’s in Burbank, come check me out.

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One such fan, named Frank, is getting Ms. Dorothy Zbornak as hot and bothered. They work together on a school carnival or something that involves a cheap set and hanging banners. She asks him to dinner to meet her roommates, because nothing says playing it smooth than parading around your crush in front of your dysfunctional household.

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Meanwhile, the other ladies are dismayed as to why Frank has not asked out Dorothy! (He hasn’t revealed his devotion to me yet. I get it. Not everyone understands or likes me. Haters gonna hate, right?)

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Frank arrives anyway, and gives way to lots of foot in mouth scenarios. He tells Dorothy that he’s thinking of leaving the church. And then just leaves the house. Not a lot of brains on Frank, huh? He used up his prayers on poor starving children, not on his own self, I guess.

Dorothy meets Frank at church, or what I like to call a sheet of drywall and some benches, to offer herself to him. Dorothy gets, as the kids say, uh, “friendzoned” by Frank who is not leaving THE church, he’s leaving THIS church to become a “teaching priest” which is really a fancy word for the pyramid scheme I cooked up.

 

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And while I have you, please support my Kickstarter for another season of Joan of Arcadia.

 

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Dorothy ain’t so saint.

Season 2, Episode 17, “Bedtime Story”, as Reviewed By Upworthy Headlines

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A heater breaks in a house in Miami where four elderly women live. Unable to fix it, they took matters in their own hands. You’ll never believe what happened.

A prayer to god is finally answered. You’ll never believe what he said.

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What happens when a woman sleeps in the same bed with her brothers for seventeen years? The answer will delight you.

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A salty cynical lady confronts a bully in a train station.

You have to see how she fights back. Hint: it’s with words.

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An old woman remembers her late husband fondly. We dare you not to cry.

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