Oh hey, while we are both at the copy machine, let me tell you how my life was basically changed forever. There was this weekend long seminar that I attended and wow, it just really opened up my eyes. I wasn’t being authentic up until then. It’s like my whole life was a fog before now. That’s why I am being authentic with you right now. I can’t let something so good remain a secret. I know we don’t know each other well, and you cut me off in the staff meeting when I suggested we form a task force to examine how we should structure our meetings, but I just know this will change your life.
Don’t believe me? Let me tell you a little story about some ladies in Miami. Dorothy, who lives her life through a series of eye rolling and clever quips, has called a doctor to do a home visit for her mother Sophia. When the doctor arrives, let’s call him Dr. Clayton, Dorothy feels a fire ignite in her loins. It wasn’t evil! I’m not talking about sinning. I’m talking about being authentic. Blanche, who is a spitfire, and knows what she wants (I wouldn’t be surprised if she already took this seminar, despite living in Miami and this seminar takes place in an office park in Modesto) feels the hear between her and this man, but Dorothy has already laid her claims. Dorothy needs to learn that nothing in this world is under the control of another being. She would benefit from taking our level I experience, called “LIVE.” It’s only $895…a week.
A few days later, while Dorothy is getting ready, Dr. Clayton arrives and Blanche offers him a drink. Dr. Clayton makes it clear that he would like to invite her into his sexual universe. This is a man who knows what he wants! He tells Blanche, “you’re a very attractive woman” to which she replies “I know.” Dr. Clayton has ARRIVED! This is a man who knows what he wants and just takes it! You, too, can be like Dr. Clayton after our level twelve seminar, called “TAKE.” It’s only $2200 a month…or completely free, if you bring three of your friends with you.
Blanche refuses him (the TAKE seminar is only guaranteed at 67%, you see) and decides to tell Dorothy, and Dorothy can do nothing but hurl insults at the woman. “slut”, “jealousy” and “jezebel” are words that are thrown around, and it seems Dorothy has not found the inner peace that she so desperately needs. Do you want to end up that way? I can show you the key to living a better life than Dorothy, if you and Jean from accounts payable come with me tomorrow night for a free preview of the seminar. In fact, each of you should also bring a friend!
Sweet, innocent Rose hates to see Dorothy and Blanche fighting. She finds the courage to channel her inner Jezebel and tries to seduce Dr. Clayton. She offers to show him Polaroids of herself in her tennis outfit, but Dr. Clayton has the power to refuse because Rose is not being her true, authentic, self-actualized self. See? You can be trained to sniff these people out. However, Dorothy still overhears him admitting his sexual prowess with Blanche, and gets rid of him, and makes up with Blanche.
What’s the lesson here? Firstly, that Dorothy is not living the best life she can have. All that sarcasm is just a cover up for the lack of self-actualization and LIFE she is meant to live. But, perhaps this is a wake up call for her, that she needs to take action…and one that can be given, if only she laid down a $1250 deposit now for the LIFE seminar.
Speaking of, how about it? You can leave your deposit with me right now, and tomorrow night after work we’ll head on over to that office park in Modesto, which holds the key to eternal satisfaction. I take pay pal. Oh, and bring eight friends.
The Fashion Award:
Hands down, it was Banche’s dress when the doctor his on her. I’m not sure if it was a housecoat or what, but it was amazing. It’s hard to tell, but the waistband only went around the front, leaving the back flowing and pleated. I’m obsessed with it. Unfortunately, the pictures don’t really do it justice.
Of course, Dorothy really brought it this episode too.
Best quotes: “My name is Blanche Devereaux…which is French for Blanche Devereaux” and “I haven’t seen a man this handsome since I spotted John Forcythe at the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater” (I’m paraphrasing)
Best Fun Facts:
Rose made A Tuna Casserole with pimento for dinner.
Growing up, Rose’s doctor was also the vet. Or was it the other way around?
Obligatory Blanche Loves C*ck moment: Dorothy straight up calls her a slut.