Season 1, Episode 7, “The Competition,” as reviewed by Rachel Zoe

I cannot believe how uh mah zing these ladies looked. Babe, can you believe it? Babe? Babe? Rodge? Where are you? …
Firstly, this is Sophia’s outfit she wore when she meets her childhood sweetheart for the first time. It’s like Italian widow impregnated Badgley Mischka. I would throw my baby out the window for this look.

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There’s something called bowling in this episode, and I’m not sure what that is, but it involves getting a huge sphere-shaped brooch. The ladies are playing it, and uh mah god they look bananas.

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Literally. Dorothy looks like a banana. Blanche looks like a girls scout who lost her virginity to an army Cadette. The satin! I could die. I did die. I’m dead. I’m a zombie now, skinning Anne Hathaway to use her skin as my outfit.

I’m having a panic attack over Dorothy’s nightgown.

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I literally am having a shortage of oxygen to my brain. I’d say that this shouldn’t be used as a nightgown, it’s a perfect look for the technical Oscars ceremony. It’s like King George mated with Don Draper and they made a gown. Stunning.

The Goldies:

Best fashion: see above, obvi.

Oblig Rose Loves C*ck Moment: Sophia reveals her childhood boyfriend is in town, Blanche remarks “Ooooo, Sophia has a past!” Sophia retorts: “Yes, but unlike you, I didn’t need penicillin to get through it!” Yikes, that was…way harsher than usual.

[I didn’t really go through the plot on this one because it was….insignificant. The gals bowl against each other. Rose is power hungry. Sophia makes a bet with Dorothy that if she beats her in bowling, Dorothy has to pay for Sophia to go to the San Genaro festival with her childhood boyfriend. Dorothy throws the game to see her mother happy. Blanche doesn’t care about bowling, she just wants to look good in her shirt, which Rose tells her she looks flat-chested in. You know, just a typical day among friends in Miami.]

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