Season 1, Episode 8, “The Break In,” as reviewed by Blanche’s Chinese Vase

I am, or was, Blanche’s gorgeous but short-lived Chinese Vase. I used to live by the front door so everyone coming in could gaze upon my beauty. Blanche bought me at a J.C. Penny’s clearance sale. She thought it would make her house look sophisticated and her have expansive cultural knowledge. That and the gentlemen callers would admire it as she brought them through the door at the end of the night. Alas, I had a short life, and this is the story of my demise.

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The fabulous four arrive home from a Madonna concert (really? This would have placed Madonna in her cross-burning, black Jesus-humping phase. Not sure Rose would go for that.) They arrive home to find themselves experiencing their first television trope: The Break-In episode!

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It’s always interesting that while ransacking the house, the perps also like to make sure they leave the picture frames askew And what were they thinking was under the cushions? Old cough drop wrappers and bobby pins? Blanche expresses her eternal gratefulness that I, the vase, have been left untouched. She embraces me and she smells of Exclamation! Perfume and mint juleps.

Rose experiences continuing anxiety about her safety, and purchases an (off-screen) guard dog and finally, a gun. Blanche comes home late with Colonel Sanders, Rose wakes up and SHOOTS ME and I shatter all over. The last thing I remember is that Sophia and Blanche are picking up my entrails, Blanche promising to glue the pieces of me back together, and Sophia, that evil Sicilian devil, hid parts of me in the potted plant. Revenge will be mine!

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 The Goldies:

Best work by a Production Assistant: Blanche gets into the flour to see if her jewelry was stolen- so how did she get a hand print on her face and on her chest? It’s like she did it with a sexy flour ghost. “I see they didn’t get your cocaine,” quips Dorothy. Nailed it, D!

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Best Dorothy f*cking hates Rose moment: “Maybe they were looking for drugs!”- Rose; “We have Maalox and Estrogen. Were the robbers having indigestion and hot flashes?”- Dorothy, who was on fire this episode.

Best fun fact: Sophia likes drip-dry clothing

Fashion Award: Dorothy nails it again, in this jacket with vestigal buttons:

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Best Blanche Loves the C*ck Moment: She went to the police station, attempted to seduce a cute police officer, so she sprayed Rose’s hairspray on herself, which turned out to be mace, and the officers thought she was on PCP. Just another day with the gals in Miami!

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2 thoughts on “Season 1, Episode 8, “The Break In,” as reviewed by Blanche’s Chinese Vase

  1. Ironically, the vase appears in later episodes, completely intact. It can only be assumed that she REPLACED YOU.

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