Season 1, Episode 15, “In a Bed of Roses”, as reviewed by Rose’s Homicidal Vagina

I’ve already killed once, and now I have a thirst for murder. The first was Charlie, Rose’s doofy husband. We were having our usual sex night after the cows were milked, and bam, I gave him a heart attack.

Rose, understandably, was scared to put me back in action for a while. Until Arnie, the lovely gentlemen that took us on the cruise. Now that I’m back in action, I’m on the lookout for fresh kill. It coincides nicely with Rose’s need for the D.

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This guy was almost too easy. Look at him! What a square! He begs to stay over in our art deco bedroom but Rose is hesitant- she’s never had a man in her room at this house before. Al doesn’t let up, giving some line about he lives with his sister. As if! I whisper in Rose’s ear “take him, take him!” and she relents. She asks him if he is quiet during sex and he says yes….little does he know he’ll be quiet….FOREVER. BWAHAHAHAHA!

Let me tell you about Al, He was bad. No imagination. He went at it like he was putting up bookshelves. Rose deserves better than this! This kill was a no-brainer. I made his heart stop a few minutes after he rolled over and went to sleep. Rose didn’t even realize during the night.

That wise old lady, Sophia, was on to me. She knew Al was dead immediately, apparently when she came into Rose’s room early morning.  She didn’t even seem to be phased by it. I should make her my accomplice, we’d take Rose across Miami, killing all the men in our path.

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“Dead guy in the bedroom. No biggie. I’m from Sicily. Happens all the time. In Sicily. Where I’m from.”

I wanted to just bask in the glow of my second kill, but the gals insisted that Rose call his sister, who…..really, you didn’t see this coming?…is his wife. Rose decides to confront her in person, and commence the biggest Emmy bait ever to appear on television, not counting Alex Keaton’s black screen breakdown.

Al’s wife, Mrs. Beatty, is played by Patricia Morrill, who according to the internet was on lots of soap operas and highbrow sitcoms in the seventies. Yes, along with killing, I, Rose’s vagina, have the ability to break the fourth wall and use the internet. We know Mrs. B is a sassy gal because she mistakes Rose as a salesperson and gives her a witty line about Jevoha’s witnesses. Burn! I’m an atheist, although Rose’s brain tells her that she’s Christian. Rose finally tells her that she slept with Al, and Mrs. B plays the whole “I’m wise to my husband’s philandering ways but put up with it because hey, a woman in my time doesn’t have too many options” character.

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Rose tells her Al is dead, and then she switches on the I’M ACTING switch and stares off in the distance, telling herself, “It can’t be true! If I keep talking it won’t be true! THat’s it, I’ll just keep talking and that way Al is alive!” or some weird monologue that a million people do as monologues for pilot auditions and whatnot.

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Rose gets upset about killing Al and Mrs. B ends up comforting her. Ah, that selfish Rose, she always thinks of herself, which is why I’ve only had action twice in the last five years.

Later, Mrs. B comes by to tell Rose the results of the autopsy, which showed that Al had clogged arteries, so really, he killed himself. Hey, can I get a little credit around here??? That gives Rose confidence to go out with Arnie again.

[Record Scratch]…wait, what? I thought she had broken up with Arnie since we hadn’t seen him in a while. Looks like ol’ Rose was macking on Al while she still had Arnie on the side. Well, I underestimated her! But apparently she dresses like Laura Ingalls when she wants to get laid.

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You know what? I decided to let Arnie live. He seems like a nice guy, and since Rose seems to like to get more on the side, I’ll have my chances in the future. But not before having a little fun. Rose tells the gals that Arnie died after they banged, she got arrested, the sherriff didn’t believe that I kill the men she sleeps with, he said “prove it,” so she did and I killed him too. You should have seen the looks on these gal’s faces!

Rose thinks she’s off the hook, but I have her exactly where I want her. To all the eligible older men on Miami….soon.

THE GOLDIES:

Blanche loves the D: Scolds Rose for not doing anything in bed, while the men do all the work. “Maybe that’s why they died!”

Sophia is actually a sociopath moment: Aside from being generally annoyed that Al died in their house, when Rose is scared to be in the house alone, she says “If someone breaks in, Rose will just sleep with them!”  One of my favorite lines behind “SHRIMP?!”

Best fashion!

Oh this was a difficult one.

Aside from Rose’s Laura Ingalls dress, the gals go to a square dance, and of course Blanche has a full outfit just for the occasion.

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