Season 2, Episode 8; “Vacation,” As Reviewed By The Smoke Monster From ‘Lost’


WHOOSH Chichicha-Chichicha-Chichicha-Chichicha-Chichicha- CRASH- WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—–

Wait a minute- who are these ladies on my island? I thought attractive, fit people were the only ones summoned here. Dammit, Jacob. These ladies seem to be stranded because of those three douchewads that took them out on a boat. Yea, the one that thinks he’s Patrick Bateman Jr and his douchecrew in their douchecanoe. They seemed to have left the ladies in search of clean water. The nice one with the shelaqued hairdo seems to be in charge. Well, just wait til she breaks. Dr. Jack Shepard was all bravado and machoism until he couldn’t stop crying every five seconds.

It’s not faiiirrrr!!

When people think they are about to die, they start confessing very bad things.


Well, at least when they die I can overtake their bodies and find out what it’s like to be a sassy senior citizen. While we wait here until they keel over, let’s see how they got here with a flashback. Ready?



The ladies decide to take a vacation to a Caribbean island, only to find themselves in a shitty hotel with an abusive hotel owner and a shared bathroom with some rich preppies, including Winston Hardwick III.


These three guys are either hiding out after killing a prostitute, celebrating a bachelor party, on a drug run, or hoping for a zany sitcom spinoff. Sawyer’s dimples could run marathons around these guys.

Rose and Dorothy brainstorm an escape plan. Dorothy hurls an insult based on a pun.

Not that I’ve noticed, except I always notice that he is shirtless whenever I decide to show up and slither through the woods. So anyway, they decide….



Dammit! Okay, so I can control time, space, and physics, but I can’t control the flashbacks. So sue me. So the ladies are here on the island, making piece with dying, when the douchecrew arrive with fancy drinks with umbrellas, announcing that they were just on the other side of the island, and stopped off at the Marriott hotel bar.

SAG card, s’il vous plait!

Seriously, the Others must have upgraded their digs. When I got here when I was still human I had to sleep in a shitty cave with my brother and crazy mother. And only got to wear one outfit. Hey wait a minute….didn’t we see this plot twist on another sitcom? If this is the case, we’ll find out that the hatch is really a Brooklyn apartment where a bratty twenty-something tries to find love and success as a writer all while naked. It’s called The Dharma Knishitive.

Blanche seduces Cross-Eyed Cousin Nolan.

Anyway, the whole reason the island exists is because-


Sophia, home alone, puts her moves on the elderly gardner, Toshiro. It’s supposed to be cute and endearing and it turns out awkward and fairly racist. “Ew sushi is raw fish” jokes galore. 

I guess I’ll just have to wait until someone else is summoned to the island to terrorize. Chichicha-Chichicha-Chichicha-Chichicha-Chichicha Let’s hope it’s the cast of Small Wonder. I hate those fucking kids.


p.s. fuck these two

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