Season 3, Episode 9: “A Visit From Little Sven” by someone who just binge-watched ‘Making a Murderer’

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Rose’s Swedish cousin is visiting, because he is getting married to some his parents set him up with. Once again, it’s a merry-go-round of bedrooms. Have any of these ladies heard of making their guests sleep on the couch?

Speaking of sleeping, and bedroom, what do you make of Teresa Halback’s RAV4 key found in Steven Avery’s bedroom? That had to be planted by James Lenk. Rose bought a cake for the occasion. Only it’s from a sex shop because Rose is legally retarded and can’t function in life. She thought it was the shape of Florida. Speaking of Florida, Manitowoc County is really crooked, right?

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Sven arrives and he’s big blond and looks like a boy who got “Big-ged” like in the movie. A blond bob and knitted sweater. Speaking of hair, what about Barb’s feathered bangs? She’s like so….I guess those hicks in Wisconsin are not as sophisticated as us superior Netflix watchers? Anyway, did you notice her crazy eighties outfit when she was screaming in agony about the conviction of her son? So fantastic.

Blanche has a problem. One, she like sex. A lot. That’s not the main problem. It’s that she can’t turn OFF her sex appeal. It’s a weapon. A deadly weapon. Just like the weapon hanging over Steven Avery’s bed. Is that the bullet that was used to shoot Teresa Halbach in the head? It is odd, to be burned and then shot. Could have her remains been planted in the fire pit? Have you seen The Jinx? That was a good one too. Did you think Adnan Syed was guilty?

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Rose dumps the responsibility of entertaining Sven to Blanche, because not only having him crash in the house and inconvenience the ladies, she doesn’t have time for that. Blanche wants to make a man who snubbed her jealous. He’s with a younger woman! Calm down, Blanche, she looks like a high school social studies teacher. Speaking of high school, do you think Brendan Dassey was coerced into a confession? I know about coerced confessions from Serial and Paradise Lost, that documentary about the West Memphis Three? Do you want to hear about all the true crime documentaries I’ve seen? Have you heard of The Staircase? Blanche puts the moves on Sven (or, to her, “Swin”) and he of course gets a whiff of her pheromones of steel and declares his love for her. “Swin” has the brain capacity of Johnny Five. Maybe even less. He and Rose are living Skinner boxes. Info in, process, and literal reactions out. I like psychology. I like Serial killers. And true crime. Did you know that? Does that make me interesting?

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Blanche doesn’t think it’s serious, but Rose has a conniption because Little Sven was her responsibility and here goes Blanche’s active vagina making trouble as always. But then his Swedish, blond, betrothed arrives. Isn’t district attorney Ken Katz a dickhead! I hate his voice. Lady Sven is bangin’ and also wearing the ultimate in eighties cool girl fashion: bodysuit, flared skirt, big belt and heels. She looks like she’s in a fucking Debbie Gibson video. Remember that Teresa Halbach made that creepy video saying “If I die?…” That was weird. Also, Dean Strang is like, really hot. I have a crush on him ironically.

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